Lifestyle and Reviews

Baby loss awareness week… my story.

It feels as though I have blinked and twelve months have passed us by. Baby loss awareness week has certainly hit me hard this year as I think of our little angel whom we lost last November.

As I sit and look at my baby girl in my arms, I know how incredibly lucky I am to have her here with me, but I still feel it is so incredibly important to me to take some time out to mourn for our little baby.

For over 6 years we were told there was no chance of us ever conceiving another baby. Now as I’m sure a lot of people know, at this point I was lucky enough to already have three beautiful children in my life, so I accepted that and counted my blessings. Then on the 24th September 2018 I ended up being rushed into hospital with excruciating pains in my stomach and was taken to have an internal scan to check what was causing all of the pain. Low and behold, there bobbing away inside my stomach was a perfect little 6 week old baby, a strong heartbeat, and in general looking pretty perfect.

As you can imagine both myself and my husband were in complete and utter shock, and in my case denial… after all, I had had it drummed into me for the past 6 years it wasn’t a possibility at all. I left the hospital two days later after them deciding the pain was being caused by my previous scar tissue stretching itself, and I have to admit, my heart was dancing. The love I felt immediately for our little baby was beyond words.

Two weeks later we were visiting my daughters soon to be secondary school when I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my stomach. I rushed into the bathroom and noticed that my underwear was full of bright red blood. In that moment, I admit I didn’t have a clue what to do. After all, with my three previous pregnancies everything had been perfect. I never expected to encounter any problems this time round.

I rushed outside and phoned the hospital, who had told me they could see me the following morning, and was advised to just go home and rest. At this point my heart felt as though it was breaking. I had convinced myself that this was most certainly a miscarriage, so spent the evening curled up in bed crying. The following morning I took myself off to the hospital, I insisted on going alone as I couldn’t bare the thought of my husband having to see our lifeless little baby too. As they took me through to the room, I instantly regretted not having him with me. knowing I would have to cope with this on my own was crushing. ‘There’s a heart beat… your baby is fine’. Words I had never expected to hear that day. Once again, my heart allowed me to believe that everything was going to be fine. That our little angel would be allowed to stay with us. Once again I went home with the biggest smile on my face, desperate to share the news with our family.

Then again at 9 weeks I experienced a huge blood loss, was taken into hospital again to be told all was fine. My husband came into the scan room with me and saw our little jelly bean dancing away on the screen, an image I will never forget.

For weeks after this loss of blood, I kept passing a yellow discharge, which I was informed was completely normal so tried to think nothing more of it. As I turned 13 weeks, the week we were booked in to have our first official scan, I began getting pains in my back, which were initially put down to being kidney pains. Once again I was taken through to the scan department, but this time the experience was completely different. The woman who scanned me was silent for what felt like an eternity, before she grasped hold of my hand and said ‘ I am so sorry, your baby has no heartbeat’.

I cant fully put into words how that felt. It was as though the floor fell from beneath me, and as though my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. I simply couldn’t catch my breath. Our little baby’s heart had stopped beating at 11 weeks, yet my body had kept hold of them. I felt, and still do, feel crushed.

I opted to have the surgical management of my miscarriage, as to me, the thought of having to pass my baby naturally was unimaginable. They booked me in for the following day. I can remember coming round after the surgery and feeling so completely hollow. Like a part of me was missing, a part of me I know I can never get back.

 

We all react differently to grief. For me, I wanted to try and be ‘normal’ for the sake of my family. So after two weeks of refusing to leave my bedroom, I forced myself out with the children. I tried to get back to normal in every sense of the word. Even at this point I never for a second imagined we would be able to conceive again. I believed that little baby had been our last little miracle who we were never blessed enough to meet.

Finding out we were expecting again so soon after our loss was a very mixed bag of emotions. I felt guilty, anxious, yet extremely excited all at once. However I didn’t for a second allow myself to get too attatched to my pregnancy. This lasted until my baby girl was put in my arms.

You never expect to become that 1 in 4. When you have sailed through your previous pregnancies, you really do take for granted how lucky you are. You never for a second expect to lose your baby. Then becoming pregnant after that heartache leaves you struggling to accept that you will get to meet this precious little angel your growing. Every day that passes by is a blessing as it takes you one step closer to meeting them.

I send so much love to anyone else who has experienced pregnancy loss, whether it is at 6 weeks or 36 weeks, the loss is devastating.

 

x

It’s been a while!

Hello! So, it has been quite some time since I last updated the old blog hasn’t it!. There is good reason for that of course…

Our baby girl is finally here!

After what felt like the longest 9 months of my entire life, our little lady Rosie made a dramatically early entrance 2 weeks before her due date via emergency c-section (in true Wilks style!) weighing a gorgeous 7lb4 of pure perfection.

And then came the aftermath…

I have of course been well and truly lost down the rabbit hole of all things newborn. It is a miracle if I wash my hair these days, and I practically live in my pyjamas unless it is essential to leave the house… but then I became poorly.

At 2 weeks post partum I thought I had been pretty lucky and avoided the little window of infection. My wound had healed beautifully (or so I thought) and I felt stronger with every passing day. Then I woke up in the middle of the night shaking violently, my head felt as though it was about to pop and my stomach was contracting again. It turned out that I had picked up both a wound and a womb infection… which I can tell you is no fun at all when you already have three children powering around the house and a newborn baby to care for too. But in typical Victoria style, I refused to go into hospital. The thought of being away from my family again was something I just couldn’t bare, so I started taking the antibiotics at home instead… two weeks on I am just about starting to feel slightly more human… so I am back!.

I will do a post on the actual birth experience soon, but more than anything I am looking forward to using my blog to share my ramblings and thoughts again… especially whilst I am at home a lot and whilst my littlest love sleeps. I will try and refrain from posting at 2am whilst doing the night feed, and when my brain isn’t firing up… (when does it these days, lets be honest).

 

 

Victoria

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The third trimester….. Finally!

Finally I’ve made it! It feels as though the past 27 weeks have lasted an eternity… and now here we are at 29 weeks, on the home stretch!.

Although it is incredibly exciting knowing that our baby will be here with us within the next 10 weeks… it is also absolutely terrifying. I think the part that is scaring me the most right now is knowing that I have to have another ceserean section. Of course there are many perks to this, one of the main advantages being childcare…. get the kiddies booked in nice and early with the grandparents so it should be relatively stress free.

The major disadvantage is how long the recovery takes. This isn’t my first ceserean so I know what to expect, but I always find it so frustrating having to ‘take it easy’ for weeks on end when all I want to do is get back to normal with my little loves.

Having said all of this, my heart swells at the thought of completiting our family, and that definitely over rules all of the nerves and doubt that keeps creeping in.

I’m so excited for her to meet her older siblings, who I know are going to be amazing with her…. and of course to finally meet her daddy too!.

So although right now I am finding it impossible to sleep, I am sweating continously (not nice for the family I can tell you). Continously bursting out in tears, and making the most unflattering noises imaginable when turning over in bed…. I can guarantee that i will desperately miss my baby bump when she arrives.

With 10 weeks to go, I am going to try and enjoy every uncomfortable minute of it, and keep focusing on how amazing it will be to finally meet this little miracle of ours.

X

Lindsey Kelk – I Heart Hawaii.

Well this is one book I was hoping would never end! not only because the book was fantastic, but because it also signified the end of an era. (Also don’t worry, I refuse to put spoilers on any book review as I would hate that myself!). But if you are a fan of chic-lit and love a feel good story, then this is the book for you.

I heart Hawaii is the last instalment in a long running series which has spanned for 10 years (pretty amazing in my opinion!).

The book is jam packed from start to finish with humor and emotion as we follow another one of Angela Clark’s hilarious adventures, this time it is obviously based in Hawaii. Hilarious horse encounters, drunken escapades with friends… and truly heartfelt moments between friends. It’s all there.

The thing I absolutely loved about this book though was the fact that Lindsey ensured all of the characters we have grown to know and love over the years made an appearance, something that made the end seem even more poignant in my opinion.

Lindsey’s way with words always has me smiling and laughing to myself from start to finish, her writing style truly is exquisite and keeps you hooked from that very first line.

If you haven’t read this book already, well I can’t recommend it highly enough.

X

A night in Manchester… and meeting fabulous Authors!

I’m sure by now most people will know that I am a huge lover of books…. both writing and reading them. So when I was given the opportunity to travel into Manchester and meet a few of the women who inspired me to start writing I couldn’t refuse.Writing had always been a dream of mine since leaving school, but I never thought it was something I could achieve, especially once my children came along. I just couldn’t fathom how I could possibly write a novel AND be the best Mum to them. Oh how wrong I was.I spent many years simply enjoying my love of reading instead, flitting between many Authors and getting lost in the worlds in which they created between the pages. The dream was always there, but that’s exactly what it felt like… an unobtainable dream.And then everything felt as though it clicked into place. I became too sick to work, so found myself housebound for months on end, and by this point my little loves were all in school, so it felt like the perfect time to take a chance and sit down with my laptop and get the story out of my head and typed up. I never could have imagined it would work out the way in which it did and that I would find myself as a signed Author.And that’s what loops me back around to Fridays event in Manchester. The three women I was fortunate enough to meet have been a major inspiration to me throughout the years. They have shown that everyone will tell their story in a different way, but that does not impact on the success that comes from it. Not only have they inspired me with their writing, but with the kind words they spoke to me at the event when I mentioned my writing journey. People often say you shouldn’t meet your Heroes as you can be disappointed, but I feel nothing but admiration.I came away feeling inspired and happy, loving the thought of continuing my writing journey for the years to come when my book goes out into the big wide world (even though I know my anxiety will be crippling when people start to read it!).To anyone else who is embarking on a writing journey… just remember to never give up and trust your own words. You will receive rejections, every writer does I’m sure! but that just shows that the agency/person isn’t right for you. Keep going and eventually, things can (and hopefully will) fall into place for you.x

Expanding by 1!

After 18 weeks filled with happiness, excitement and mass amounts of anxiety, I finally feel ready to share our news. In September we will be welcoming a beautiful baby girl into our family.

For the past 6 years I have been told on endless occasions that I would never be able to conceive naturally again, so the sheer delight in discovering this pregnancy is truly difficult to put into words.

Although the journey is mostly exciting, not every day is filled with joy. There are many days that I find myself in a panic wondering if the little niggles and pains are normal or if there’s something wrong with my baby. I have had endless dreams about losing this little angel and wake up in a blind panic convinced it’s really happening. It’s true, pregnancy and bipolar can be challenging at times.

I am incredibly lucky though, I have the most supportive, understanding husband by my side, and three amazing children who never fail to lift my spirits on the down days.

I am going to make a conscious effort to take each day as it comes. I need to try and embrace every day of this pregnancy as it is certainly going to be my last.

I need to remember these little kicks and flutters I’m feeling and remind myself that, right now at least, everything is just fine.

I am glad to have my little blog to share my pregnancy journey, my ‘safe place’ to get these thoughts out of my head and who knows, it might even help someone else realise they aren’t alone too.

X

Delamere Forest 🎄

Today I really pushed myself. I felt like doing nothing but staying in bed, but I forced myself out of the door with the family as they set off to Delamere Forest on the search for a Christmas tree….and truth be told, I had a wonderful day.

Delamere is such a beautiful place to visit. There are endless walks you can take, cafes to stop off at….and obviously the most amazing part of it is how beautiful the forest is to look at. There is something so calming about being out in the forest, the sounds and just the general scenery works wonders for my over active mind.

But today we visited for a different purpose, we set off along with the rest of the family (yes, aunties and uncles too!) And went to pick a tree…sadly not for ourselves, but the grandparents needed some help of course…

We visit delamere every year at Christmas with the rest of the family, and it has quickly become one of our many, much loved traditions. It never fails to make me feel festive….especially as I’m sat inside the tent enjoying a hot chocolate and listening to Christmas music!. The children absolutely love exploring and trying to find the ‘perfect tree’ too.

And now we are back home….we are going to end our lovely festive day by curling up under a blanket, having a takeaway for tea and watching one of our Christmas favourites…. ELF!.

X